Ahhh... so thats way Madonna adopted so many. Big house an all that..
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
- Thread starter AirCon
- Start date
“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38DD. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38DD bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200 each."
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38DD bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200 each."
Prenuptial Agreement:
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Rover.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Rover.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..
Me - "What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and glue Elsie?"
Elsie - "No fuckin' idea Ron "
Me - " You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna Elsie"
Elsie - "What about the fuckin' glue Ron ?"
Me - "I knew you'd get stuck there Elsie"
Elsie - "No fuckin' idea Ron "
Me - " You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna Elsie"
Elsie - "What about the fuckin' glue Ron ?"
Me - "I knew you'd get stuck there Elsie"
I've now got to the age whereby I need to use lubricant before having sex with the wife.
Usually 7-8 pints does the trick.
Usually 7-8 pints does the trick.
The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!".
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, your Holiness - how much did it cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million pounds.."
"Two million pounds " replied the house-keeper,
"They must have seen you coming"
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!".
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, your Holiness - how much did it cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million pounds.."
"Two million pounds " replied the house-keeper,
"They must have seen you coming"
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