In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

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A geezer walks up to a woman in a bar,
At the bar he says to the woman
I would love to strip you naked
Lift your legs up
And fill your fanny with stella
Then lower your legs slowly and drink it all
The woman was really shocked at this
And really red faced
She quickly walked over to her husband and told him what the bloke at the bar said
Her husband stood there and smiled
The woman says well ain't you gonna go over and punch his head in for saying that
The husband says
If any man can drink that much Stella in one go
There's no way I'm gonna fecking fight him
 
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

*St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down so you will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest asked, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Cumbrian Mountains ."

“So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?"

" No I told you the computer is down, there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”

" In that case" says the second priest, “I've always wanted to be a Stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?” he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "He's somewhere over Lake Windermere, flying with the eagles,
but the second one could prove to be more difficult."

“Why?” asks the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tyre, somewhere in Aberdeen"
 
Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on holiday?

"Aye, I'll have 200 lambert & butler please ".

Two weeks pass, Paddy brings Murphy his 200 fags to the local pub.

"How much do I owe you" asks Murphy.

"Just call it £155" says Paddy.

"Be'Jesus Paddy, where the feck did you go on your holiday?"

"Blackpool" said Paddy.
 
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
 
Due to a fall in recruitment a batch of Cannibals joined the Army.

The CO welcomed them to the unit "Lovely to have you chaps here with us, just do me a favour and don't eat anyone"

The weeks went by until the CO popped into talk to the chief "Um just checking but we seem to be missing a Corporal, you wouldn't know anything about that would you?" THe Chief Cannibal said that he had not seen a corporal anywhere.

After the CO left the Chief got all the others together "Right who ate the Corporal? Come on I know you did!!!" A hand raised guiltily at the rear of the Group.

"YOU fools" Exploded the Chief. "For months we have been eating Officers and no one noticed but you had to go and eat someone USEFUL!!!!!!"
 
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
As our passion began to heat up she said,
"I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store.
I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelery counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet.
I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either..🤣🤣🤣
 
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.🤣🤣👍
 
My daughter just walked into the living room and said:
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out throw all my clothes out of the window take my TV and stereo my iPhone and iPod my laptop & sell them.
Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my new car take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother
Well she didn't put it quite like that....she actually said..

"Dad this is my new boyfriend and he's in the RAF Regiment."
 
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks her, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "There's only an inch of water in the bath."

"I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
 
In 1969, Michael Caine & Terence Stamp were close flat mates, and lived in a 3 bed 3 bathroom Penthouse apartment in Berkley Sq, near to Green Park, London W1. During the summer of 69, they had this big show biz party, The Stones, The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and The Doors were all there to name a few.

Jim Morrison comes up to M. Caine and say’s "it a great party but there not enough girls". Micheal says "There two gorgeous models have just turned up" Jim Morrison ask's', "do you think they will give me a Blow Job”? Michael replies "I think they give the whole band a Blow Job” For the next hour, The Doors and the models all disappear into one of the bedrooms.

When the models come out from the bed room, Ringo Star goes up to them both and says, "I see you had some fun with the Doors, "I don't suppose you both fancy giving me a Blow Job”? and they both replied, "It will be an Honour” and they all disappear into one of the bath rooms.

Five minutes later, Michael Caine storms into the bathroom and shouts out, while whacking the girls around the head, "YOUR ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF🤣
 
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
 
JimVee said:
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Click to expand...
pointing-laughing.gif
 
Don't read if your offended easily :
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Checkout 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked up the intercom and said....................................

'Mop and bucket to checkout 5'
 
JimVee said:
Don't read if your offended easily :
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Checkout 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a long, gentle squeeze then picked up the intercom and said....................................

'Mop and bucket to checkout 5'
Click to expand...

Haha - I was getting ahead and thought she was going to say "a box of tissues to checkout 5" :ROFLMAO:
 
Just read a book on being happy and married, it states that you should treat your wife everyday like its a first date, so after she made tonight tea and done the washing up, I’m dropping her back off at her parents and telling her that I will give her a ring.....
 
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