I applied for a job hanging mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
It's something I can see myself doing.
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
- Thread starter AirCon
- Start date
A plane takes off from Spain headed for Scotland, but just as they break through the clouds and can no longer see the ground, the navigation and communication systems break down
'What are we going to do' asks the terrified young co-pilot to the Capt. 'No problem' he replies 'we keep the sun on our left and in three hours we'll be over Scotland and the RAF will help us'
An hour later the co-pilot asks the Capt where he thinks they are, and the Capt sticks his arm out of the window next to him and replies ' We're somehwere over Southern France - it's quite warm, still, and I can smell garlic'
An hour so later, the same question and the Capt puts his hand out of the window and replies 'Somewhere over the South Coast of England - it;s raining and I can smell fish and chips'
Half an hour later, the same question and the Capt again puts his hand out of the window and replies ' We're over Liverpool '
'How can you be so precise' asks the co-pilot
'Because someone just stole my watch off my wrist' replies the Capt.
'What are we going to do' asks the terrified young co-pilot to the Capt. 'No problem' he replies 'we keep the sun on our left and in three hours we'll be over Scotland and the RAF will help us'
An hour later the co-pilot asks the Capt where he thinks they are, and the Capt sticks his arm out of the window next to him and replies ' We're somehwere over Southern France - it's quite warm, still, and I can smell garlic'
An hour so later, the same question and the Capt puts his hand out of the window and replies 'Somewhere over the South Coast of England - it;s raining and I can smell fish and chips'
Half an hour later, the same question and the Capt again puts his hand out of the window and replies ' We're over Liverpool '
'How can you be so precise' asks the co-pilot
'Because someone just stole my watch off my wrist' replies the Capt.
Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…
Sudden Lee.
Sudden Lee.
When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms - So our parents paid for them.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down hills.
Those were Goodyears.
Those were Goodyears.
I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead…
It was my signature move.
It was my signature move.
Just read an anagram joke which was so funny I laughed my ears off.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife reckons it's weird.
I don't see why - I think it makes a great hat
I don't see why - I think it makes a great hat
Reporter -"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"
Sniper - "Recoil"
Sniper - "Recoil"
Thirteen Muslim terrorists have been reported killed or seriously injured in Bradford this evening after a new bunk bed suddenly collapsed:
Police believe it was the work of Al-Ikea
Police believe it was the work of Al-Ikea
I've won loads over the years betting people that an old bloke like me can still run across the Humber Bridge in less than three minutes.
It's easy as long as you dodge the traffic - it's only 40 metres wide.
It's easy as long as you dodge the traffic - it's only 40 metres wide.
English is a difficult language… but it can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though…
Two Jewish cobblers secured a contract with the Vatican to repair all the Popes shoes.
They thought that by advertising the fact on their shop window they would attract more customers, so they put a sign above the entrance that read :
"Isaac and Manny - Cobblers to the Pope."
The following morning somebody had written on it - " and Bollocks to the Rabbi"
They thought that by advertising the fact on their shop window they would attract more customers, so they put a sign above the entrance that read :
"Isaac and Manny - Cobblers to the Pope."
The following morning somebody had written on it - " and Bollocks to the Rabbi"
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the Liverpool docks once more, for old time’s sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a cheap hotel room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing love?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a cheap hotel room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing love?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."
An Israeli tank is chasing a single Palestinian terrorist.
Suddenly the Arab stops, finding himself at a dead end, and starts blasting at the tank with his AK rifle.
He fires and fires with all his heart as the tank is getting nearer and nearer, and then suddenly stops shooting.
The tank also stops and the Jewish driver pops his head out.
"Why did you stop shooting?"
"I ran out of bullets,"
"I can sell you some."
Suddenly the Arab stops, finding himself at a dead end, and starts blasting at the tank with his AK rifle.
He fires and fires with all his heart as the tank is getting nearer and nearer, and then suddenly stops shooting.
The tank also stops and the Jewish driver pops his head out.
"Why did you stop shooting?"
"I ran out of bullets,"
"I can sell you some."
HootOwl
Well-known member
I got a telephone call from a woman asking me if I'd like a quote
I said yes so she came up with:
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts".
I said that's pretty reasonable but Swintons quoted me
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them.
To die: to sleep...”
The broker, stunned for a moment, said give her a minute & she'd talk to her manager.
She then came back with what she said was her best quote:
'Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.'
And then said she'd sling in Get Thee To A Nunnery if i signed straight away, which I thought very generous & signed instantly on the spot.
Just shows what you can do with a bit of haggling.
Ps if you made it all the way down to here you can't have those 2 minutes back.
Do try to get a life and stop reading drivel
I said yes so she came up with:
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts".
I said that's pretty reasonable but Swintons quoted me
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them.
To die: to sleep...”
The broker, stunned for a moment, said give her a minute & she'd talk to her manager.
She then came back with what she said was her best quote:
'Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.'
And then said she'd sling in Get Thee To A Nunnery if i signed straight away, which I thought very generous & signed instantly on the spot.
Just shows what you can do with a bit of haggling.
Ps if you made it all the way down to here you can't have those 2 minutes back.
Do try to get a life and stop reading drivel
Two bluebottles land on a dog turd
one says
'now then mate, haven't seen you in ages'
the other said
'been on sick mate'
one says
'now then mate, haven't seen you in ages'
the other said
'been on sick mate'
Stanley Matthews walks into a pub and orders a quadruple whisky, a quintuple brandy and three triple gin and tonics.
"'Ere, Stanley" says the barman, "What's with the big shorts?"
"'Ere, Stanley" says the barman, "What's with the big shorts?"
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
It's also their biggest import.
I got my daughter a fridge for her
birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up
when she opens it.
birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up
when she opens it.
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home:
Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute, tracing her fingers in the ashes, then said... "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again she paused for a few minutes and whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute, tracing her fingers in the ashes, then said... "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again she paused for a few minutes and whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
Yesterday, I took Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
It cost £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.
A young lad walks into the toilets at Heathrow Airport. Standing by the sink is a Royal Marine, in his Number 1's. The little lad, all agog, takes a moment and then says;
"Wow! Are you a Royal Marine?!"
"Sure am" came the reply, "Here, would you like to try my beret on?"
"Oh yes please" he replies, and taking the beret he places it on his head and gazes into the mirror.
Just then, the door opens, and through a shining beam of light, in walks a man. But this was not just a man, he was more than a man. He was a Sapper.
The little boy turns and walks up to the Sapper. As he approached he could see his reflection in his boots. His little eyes widened as he took in the width of his chest, and the steely look in his eye. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, "Excuse me Sir, Are you a Sapper?!"
The Sapper replied in a thunderous tone, "Well yes lad, and proud. Would you like to shine my boots?"
"Oh No" Replied the little boy, "I'm not really a Royal Marine, Im just wearing his BERET." You know who you are.....
"Wow! Are you a Royal Marine?!"
"Sure am" came the reply, "Here, would you like to try my beret on?"
"Oh yes please" he replies, and taking the beret he places it on his head and gazes into the mirror.
Just then, the door opens, and through a shining beam of light, in walks a man. But this was not just a man, he was more than a man. He was a Sapper.
The little boy turns and walks up to the Sapper. As he approached he could see his reflection in his boots. His little eyes widened as he took in the width of his chest, and the steely look in his eye. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, "Excuse me Sir, Are you a Sapper?!"
The Sapper replied in a thunderous tone, "Well yes lad, and proud. Would you like to shine my boots?"
"Oh No" Replied the little boy, "I'm not really a Royal Marine, Im just wearing his BERET." You know who you are.....
Duke of Prunes
Well-known member
" When we were an empire , we had an emperor
then we were a kingdom , and we had a king .
Now we are just a country and we have a ....
.... Thatcher "
One of Kenny Everett's , while still at BBC !!
...... but they didn't notice .
then we were a kingdom , and we had a king .
Now we are just a country and we have a ....
.... Thatcher "
One of Kenny Everett's , while still at BBC !!
...... but they didn't notice .
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Which I think is poor for four.