In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

BEN, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Dustin Johnson, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope.”

Frustrated , Ben stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Ben, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Ben yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,

"You should have bought a new hat."
 
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Asda installed a medical kiosk, and for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

I went with a sore elbow, and the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks".

Impressed, I wondered if I could fool the machine?

So I mixed some tap water with dog crap, urine samples from my wife and daughter, and then pleasured myself into the mixture.

When I put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.

3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.

4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better


"Thank you for shopping at Asda"
 
Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre.

One says to the other “What you in for”?

The other replies “Endoscopy”

“What’s that then”? the first bloke asks.

“They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers. What you in for”? replies the second bloke.

“Camera up my bum" says the first bloke.

“Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke

“Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”
 
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man.”
 
A Glaswegian left his almost full glass of beer on the bar to go to the gents.

Before going he left a note on the bar - "This beer belongs to the UK Heavy Weight Boxing Champion."

When he returned, the glass was empty.

Added to his note was "This drink is now inside the UK 400 metres Champion."
 
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