In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the pool balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 
I worked with a Chinese guy called Kim a few years ago, and one evening all our work colleagues plus me and Kim met up in the local pub to celebrate his birthday.

After a couple of drinks, I was sat opposite him and I asked " Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same?"

"Kim's at the Bar - I'm his wife" was the reply.
 

A bloke is wheeled into a busy A&E looking like he’s gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.​

He’s got concussion and two black eyes.​

The doctor manages to rouse him “What's happened to you then ?”

The chap groans and says, - “Well, the wife and I were out for a quiet round at the golf club. Lovely morning, bit of a breeze. Anyway, on this tricky par four we both absolutely duffed our shots and sliced our balls straight over the hedge and into a farmer’s field full of cows.”

“So we climb over to have a rummage about. I’m wandering through the muck when I notice one of the cows has something white sticking out the back end.”

The doctor blinks. “Go on…”

“So I stroll over, lift the cow’s tail, and there it is - a golf ball wedged right there, clear as day, with my wife’s initials printed on it.”

“And?”

The man sighs deeply.

“Well… that’s when I made a bit of an error in judgement.”

“What did you say?”

“I lifted the tail a bit higher and shouted across the field, ‘Hey Mary - this one looks like yours!’”

“After that… I don’t remember much.”
 
Wee brown paper bag goes to doctor, I’m not well he says. Doc tears a wee bit off him to send to get checked.

Week later he goes back for results, doc says I’m afraid you've got aids.

AIDS! How the fuck can I have aids, I’m only a wee brown paper bag.

Doc says, your mum or dad must have been a carrier...
 
IMG_5201.webp
 

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time so he went to the doctor
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.​

The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examination table, and started to examine him.
He put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt and he felt less pain.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examination room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
 
After the community sing-along led by Sister Patricia at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Harry the Hypnotist.

Harry announced that he was about to put the entire audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you, all at the same time,” he declared confidently.

The excited chatter faded into silence as Harry carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch with a delicate chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Harry, holding it high for everyone to see.

“It’s a very special and valuable timepiece that has been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while softly chanting,

“Watch the watch - watch the watch - watch the watch.”

The audience grew mesmerized as the watch swayed rhythmically. The lights twinkled as they reflected off its gleaming surface. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed its slow, hypnotic motion.

Then suddenly, they were under Harry’s control.

However, just as the trance took hold, the chain of the old watch snapped. The beautiful timepiece fell to the stage floor and shattered on impact.

“Crap,” said Harry.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Centre, and Harry was never invited back
 
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, 'Fuck you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife or husband any more. He or she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY AND TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE AT.

I have enough problems of my fuckin’ own!!
 
A Couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his knob and a weight is attached to the other end.

After a while, the weight stretches the length of the knob to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure”..???

Her husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to it.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our Tribal Experiment coming along”..??

“Well, it looks like we’re Half-Way there,” he replied.

“WOW.. You’ve grown to 12 inches already"..??? she said, astonished.

“No..… it’s turned fucking black.” he replied.
 
A U.S. Marine boarded a crowded train and searched up and down for a seat. The only empty one was occupied by a well-dressed French woman’s tiny poodle.
“Ma’am,” he asked politely, “may I sit there?”
Without looking at him, she sniffed and muttered,
“Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine, tired from his journey, walked the entire train again—still no seat. He returned and said,
“Please, ma’am, I’m exhausted. May I sit down?”
She scoffed, “Not only are you Americans rude, you’re arrogant too.”
Without another word, the Marine picked up the dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! That American must be put in his place!”
A refined Englishman nearby calmly looked up and said,
“Sir, you Americans do everything the wrong way. You eat with the wrong hand, drive on the wrong side of the road -
and now it seems…
you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
 
I hobbled into the pharmacy and caught the attention of the young man behind the counter.

"I need to speak with whoever's in charge today," I told him.

While he went to fetch someone, I quietly set a small glass jar and a teaspoon on the counter and waited patiently.

The pharmacist appeared — all professional and polished — and clasped his hands together.

"What can I do for you today, ma'am?"

I pushed the jar and spoon toward him and said, "I hate to be a bother, but would you be a dear and taste this for me? My arthritis makes it hard to tell if things taste right anymore."

He looked at the jar. Then at me. Then back at the jar.

I gave him my most helpless grandmother smile.
That did it.

He sighed, dipped the spoon in, and took a small taste.

The reaction was immediate. His face went through about six different colors before he lunged for the trash can, sputtering and gagging like a cat with a hairball.

I waited for him to compose himself.

"Well?" I asked pleasantly. "Anything sweet in there?"

He wheezed, eyes watering. "Absolutely NOT. That's the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life."

I snapped my purse shut and nodded with satisfaction.

"Perfect. My doctor told me to bring a urine sample to the pharmacy and have someone check it for sugar."
 
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