In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear insi...de this other hole.""Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought,
"How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your arse!!..
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear insi...de this other hole.""Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought,
"How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your arse!!..
I went to a restaurant called Karma today - there was no menu
You just got what you deserved
You just got what you deserved
^
Your just dessert!
Your just dessert!
A Barnsley woman goes to the job centre to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Barnsley woman.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden and Brayden" she says.
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Barnsley woman, "It's great because if they're out playing in the street | just have to shout 'Brayden yer dinner's ready!' or 'Brayden go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Barnsley woman. "I just use their surnames."
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Barnsley woman.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden and Brayden" she says.
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Barnsley woman, "It's great because if they're out playing in the street | just have to shout 'Brayden yer dinner's ready!' or 'Brayden go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Barnsley woman. "I just use their surnames."
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
I only found out today that I’d been found wrapped in a blanket and abandoned on a doctor’s doorstep with a note clipped to the blanket reading,
“Please take care of this lovely boy. He’s been through such a lot”.
That really was a brilliant stag weekend
“Please take care of this lovely boy. He’s been through such a lot”.
That really was a brilliant stag weekend
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A husband decided to treat his wife to something special for their anniversary and headed downtown to a nice lingerie boutique.
The saleswoman showed him a lovely range of sheer nightgowns, explaining that the prices ran anywhere from two hundred and fifty dollars up to five hundred dollars, and that the sheerer the fabric, the higher the price tag.
The husband, feeling generous, pointed to the most exquisite — and most transparent — gown in the shop. "I'll take that one," he said, and handed over his credit card without flinching. He brought it home, wrapped it beautifully, and presented it to his wife with a big smile.
"Go try it on, sweetheart," he said, "and come show me how it looks." His wife took it upstairs, unwrapped it, held it up to the light, and thought to herself, "Good heavens — this thing is practically invisible. I could walk out there in my birthday suit and he'd never know the difference. I'll return it tomorrow and keep the five hundred dollars."
So she set the gown aside, composed herself, and appeared at the top of the stairs without a stitch on, striking her most elegant pose.
Her husband looked up from his armchair, studied her carefully for a long moment, and said, "Good grief — for five hundred dollars, you'd think they'd at least iron the thing."
He didn't see it coming. He should be able to see out of at least one eye by Sunday.
The saleswoman showed him a lovely range of sheer nightgowns, explaining that the prices ran anywhere from two hundred and fifty dollars up to five hundred dollars, and that the sheerer the fabric, the higher the price tag.
The husband, feeling generous, pointed to the most exquisite — and most transparent — gown in the shop. "I'll take that one," he said, and handed over his credit card without flinching. He brought it home, wrapped it beautifully, and presented it to his wife with a big smile.
"Go try it on, sweetheart," he said, "and come show me how it looks." His wife took it upstairs, unwrapped it, held it up to the light, and thought to herself, "Good heavens — this thing is practically invisible. I could walk out there in my birthday suit and he'd never know the difference. I'll return it tomorrow and keep the five hundred dollars."
So she set the gown aside, composed herself, and appeared at the top of the stairs without a stitch on, striking her most elegant pose.
Her husband looked up from his armchair, studied her carefully for a long moment, and said, "Good grief — for five hundred dollars, you'd think they'd at least iron the thing."
He didn't see it coming. He should be able to see out of at least one eye by Sunday.
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Have you ever stopped to wonder why you never actually see a dead penguin lying around on the ice in Antarctica? They must die somewhere, but where?
It turns out there's a perfectly good explanation — one that scientists have studied for years. Penguins, it is well established, are among the most ritualistic creatures on the planet. They mate for life, maintain deep and lasting bonds with their young, and live in highly organized communities with their own customs and traditions.
When a penguin passes away out on the ice, the remaining family members and close companions gather together. Using only their beaks and their small, stubby wings, they carefully dig a hole in the frozen ground, gently roll their departed companion in, and cover it back over.
Then the male penguins form a respectful circle around the grave, bow their heads, and sing together:
'Freeze a jolly good fellow... Freeze a jolly good fellow...'
You didn't honestly think I knew anything about penguins, did you?
It turns out there's a perfectly good explanation — one that scientists have studied for years. Penguins, it is well established, are among the most ritualistic creatures on the planet. They mate for life, maintain deep and lasting bonds with their young, and live in highly organized communities with their own customs and traditions.
When a penguin passes away out on the ice, the remaining family members and close companions gather together. Using only their beaks and their small, stubby wings, they carefully dig a hole in the frozen ground, gently roll their departed companion in, and cover it back over.
Then the male penguins form a respectful circle around the grave, bow their heads, and sing together:
'Freeze a jolly good fellow... Freeze a jolly good fellow...'
You didn't honestly think I knew anything about penguins, did you?
They don't pass their genes on!
Not true ... I've worked in a few rug munchers houses with kids
Did you sire them?Not true ... I've worked in a few rug munchers houses with kids
Fuck no Hugo its a job only artificial insemination could manage .. as my dad used to say "if I had a bag full of mickeys id still not give her one " that tends to be the bonus with the lezzers in real life its too complete munters taken out of heterosexual circulation
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Not true ... I've worked in a few rug munchers houses with kids
Sounds like a plot for a movie; lezzers kids are at school - stair makers comes round to measure up for the new erection - turns the lezzers for the day
Jasus no ... true story.. one of the complete pigs had full frontal nudes pictures all up the stairs ... the builder was shocked when I asked for them to be taken down ... that's how fucking ugly she was ... I've seen German shepards with less hairSounds like a plot for a movie; lezzers kids are at school - stair makers comes round to measure up for the new erection - turns the lezzers for the day
Do you mean German Shepherdesses ?