That is brilliant Ron!!!
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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A famous art collector is walking through London when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a Shop and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the shop and offers to buy the cat for £20.
The shopowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. Tell you what, I'll pay you £80 for that cat. "
The owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the £80 I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer - the cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish. "
"Sorry mate but that's my lucky saucer - so far this week I've sold fifteen cats. "
The shopowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. Tell you what, I'll pay you £80 for that cat. "
The owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the £80 I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer - the cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish. "
"Sorry mate but that's my lucky saucer - so far this week I've sold fifteen cats. "
Two horses in the winners' enclosure at Newmarket are talking at the end of the day about the races they've just won.
First one says,
"You never lose that amazing feeling do you? The jockey on his feet in the stirrups, you're racing away and can see nothing but the line in front of you, and as you bolt through, the crowd are cheering and chanting your name!"
The other replies,
"It's just incredible. That was my first win at Newmarkett, and my owner and his wife couldn't stop hugging me, the crowd all patting me and the champagne corks popping. Outstanding!"
A greyhound is walking past, stops and says,
"You know, guys, I can fully sympathise with you both there. I won my tenth race at White City last week and I'm still buzzing from it. It never ceases to thrill , I can assure you!"
The horses look at each other and one says,
"Fuck me, a talking dog!"
First one says,
"You never lose that amazing feeling do you? The jockey on his feet in the stirrups, you're racing away and can see nothing but the line in front of you, and as you bolt through, the crowd are cheering and chanting your name!"
The other replies,
"It's just incredible. That was my first win at Newmarkett, and my owner and his wife couldn't stop hugging me, the crowd all patting me and the champagne corks popping. Outstanding!"
A greyhound is walking past, stops and says,
"You know, guys, I can fully sympathise with you both there. I won my tenth race at White City last week and I'm still buzzing from it. It never ceases to thrill , I can assure you!"
The horses look at each other and one says,
"Fuck me, a talking dog!"
Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.?
Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded.
"Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind."
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered.
"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."
Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded.
"Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind."
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered.
"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."
A wife returning home after a long trip abroad was met at the airport by her husband.
Her first question was "how's the cat?"
"Dead" replied the husband.
The wife erupted angrily "what a way to break the news. why couldn't you tell me something like "she was playing on the roof and slipped off and injured herself and, although you took her to the vet, she eventually passed away quietly?"
"Why not break the news that way and not be so brutal and cold about it? Mother always said you were brutal. By the way, how is mother?"
... "well, she was playing on the roof... ..."
Her first question was "how's the cat?"
"Dead" replied the husband.
The wife erupted angrily "what a way to break the news. why couldn't you tell me something like "she was playing on the roof and slipped off and injured herself and, although you took her to the vet, she eventually passed away quietly?"
"Why not break the news that way and not be so brutal and cold about it? Mother always said you were brutal. By the way, how is mother?"
... "well, she was playing on the roof... ..."
A young Arab boy asks his dad "What are you wearing on your head ?"
The father said:
"Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing ?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet ?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha, it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm".
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit..
The father said:
"Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing ?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet ?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha, it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm".
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit..
A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name. Bad news is.. you only have six months to live..."
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins £200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins £2,000
Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo money and £2,000 national."
The man says "I have Yellow 42"
"Fricken hell” says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well"
"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name. Bad news is.. you only have six months to live..."
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins £200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins £2,000
Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive. You win £200, all the bingo money and £2,000 national."
The man says "I have Yellow 42"
"Fricken hell” says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well"
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan says, "Why so glum?"
The Biker, "What do you think? I'm in hell."
Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"
The Biker says, "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, we drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more An you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
The Biker says, "Gee that sounds great."
Satan says, "You a smoker?"
The Biker says, "You better believe it."
Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember."
The Biker says, "Wow, that's awesome."
Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble."
The Biker says, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan says, "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
The Biker says, "Cool!"
Satan says, "What about Drugs?"
The Biker says, "Are you kidding me...?
"I Love drugs!"
Satan says, "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
The Biker says, "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place."
Satan says, "Are You gay?"
The Biker says, "No, no!"
Satan says, "Ooh - Fridays are gonna be tough"
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan says, "Why so glum?"
The Biker, "What do you think? I'm in hell."
Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"
The Biker says, "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, we drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more An you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
The Biker says, "Gee that sounds great."
Satan says, "You a smoker?"
The Biker says, "You better believe it."
Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember."
The Biker says, "Wow, that's awesome."
Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble."
The Biker says, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan says, "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
The Biker says, "Cool!"
Satan says, "What about Drugs?"
The Biker says, "Are you kidding me...?
"I Love drugs!"
Satan says, "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
The Biker says, "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place."
Satan says, "Are You gay?"
The Biker says, "No, no!"
Satan says, "Ooh - Fridays are gonna be tough"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Asda installed a medical kiosk in a store,where for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.
When Paddy went in with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed by this, Paddy wondered if he could fool the machine?
So he went home and mixed some tap water with dog shit, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the "urine" sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better
"Thank you for shopping at Asda "
When Paddy went in with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed by this, Paddy wondered if he could fool the machine?
So he went home and mixed some tap water with dog shit, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the "urine" sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better
"Thank you for shopping at Asda "
40 gypsies arrived at the Pearly Gates wanting to have entry to Heaven.
"I'm short of space at the moment" says God, "I can only take 12 of you - decide amongst yourselves which 12 it's going to be"
Ten minutes later St Peter goes up to God and says "They've gone".
"All 40 of them?" Asks God.
"No, the Gates have gone"
"I'm short of space at the moment" says God, "I can only take 12 of you - decide amongst yourselves which 12 it's going to be"
Ten minutes later St Peter goes up to God and says "They've gone".
"All 40 of them?" Asks God.
"No, the Gates have gone"
Fella buys a talking centipede for £5000 and takes it home in a small box.
After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says, “Would you like to go for a pint?”
The centipede doesn’t answer.
He repeats the question louder - still no reply.
Now annoyed, he shouts it.
The centipede sticks his head out and says:
“I heard you the first time… I’m putting my freakin’ shoes on.”
After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says, “Would you like to go for a pint?”
The centipede doesn’t answer.
He repeats the question louder - still no reply.
Now annoyed, he shouts it.
The centipede sticks his head out and says:
“I heard you the first time… I’m putting my freakin’ shoes on.”
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he
is looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for
work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole
country is looking for work!" This particular joke actually won an award for
the best joke in a competition held in Britain.
is looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for
work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole
country is looking for work!" This particular joke actually won an award for
the best joke in a competition held in Britain.
A young woman starts her new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As she does this a huge fish jumps out and bites her. To show who is boss, she beats it to death with a spade.
Realising her employer won't be very pleased she disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, she is
attacked by the chimps that pelt her with coconuts.
She swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can she do?
Feed them to the lions, she says to herself, because lions eat anything... She hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
She moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as she starts she is attacked by the bees. She grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now she knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to
another lion and says,
"What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had ....
Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees