In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Bentley stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, with the girl by his side and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, leans forward, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You shag her again."
 
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A WIFE Sends a Message to Her HUSBAND

WIFE: “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work, and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Elizabeth is also here and says hello to you.”

HUSBAND: Who is Elizabeth?

WIFE: Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.

HUSBAND: But I’m with Elizabeth right now, I thought you saw us!

WIFE: What! Where are you?

HUSBAND: Near the neighbourhood bakery.

WIFE: Wait, I’m coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

WIFE: I’m at the bakery, where are you?

HUSBAND: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!
 
Why I am divorced...... bare with me.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

Naked.
 
Joke of the Week…
An Italian man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.'
The Jewish man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.'
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Jewish man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'
 
By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."
 
After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home.
As we pulled up outside her house, I turned to thank her and noticed she was struggling to find the door handle.
I stretched across, my arm softly brushing against her breast.
"Oh, sorry about that," I said apologetically.
"That's Ok," she replied, with a certain glint in her eye, "I liked it."
I thought to myself, "Fuck, she's up for it, do I take a chance?"
As I nervously moved forward to kiss her, she slowly closed her eyes and opened her mouth, our tongues met. I slipped my hand up her skirt and before I knew it, we'd had the most mind-blowing sex in the car.
After, I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum, same time next week, yeah?"
 
There are four kinds of sex!

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F*CK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f*ck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
Air Con is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.

Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch, but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it, of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.

He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says “Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"

The angel replies “I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?

Jesus thinks a moment. “”All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.

He tells the guardian angel “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase - only one, mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment of his death it will be brought to heaven with him.”

The angel goes down and gives the message .The bloke is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time, jewels could be faked, stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.

He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find, fills it with gold bars, and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace, and he does.

True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates, suitcase in hand. St. Peter greets him warmly and says “All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"

The man proudly opens the suitcase, stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.

St. Peter stares at it, puzzled, and says “You brought pavement?”
 
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Our Joke of the Day
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One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the f*ck is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your frickin’ lottery ticket wet, do we??"
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The great North - South Divide!

Two southerners - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said,
"Tha's doing well ... Only two left!"
Southerners should not mess with Yorkshiremen!
 
Wee story x😇😅😉
The Black Bra
(as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams ... I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, smacked my bottom and said ,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
 
Well FUCKING HELL!!!
These trick or treaters seem to get earlier,
older & cheekier every year...
Just had two at the door now asking for money!! Costumes were really good though,
they were dressed as bailiffs!!
I gave them a lolly each and told them to fuck off!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
 
I had a bad experience yesterday. I was at a swinger's party , I went up behind an older lady and started doing her from behind . I looked up and was shocked to see my father having a blowjob off her .
I said " I can't believe you are being unfaithful to my mum "!
He replied" I'm not"
 
Two Army recruits, one Irish and one Jewish were being run ragged around the parade square by the Sergeant Major.

When they were finally called to a halt, the Jewish lad, barely able to speak, said "I hate doubling...."

Paddy responded "I'm not that keen on Tel Aviv..."🤣
 
Starmer is having Christmas dinner with his cabinet. The waiter comes over to take the order. Starmer says he'll have the roast turkey. The waiter asks "what about the vegetables?" Starmer replies, "they'll have the same" boom boom 🤣🤣
 
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says,
'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow
and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home
and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo
with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card
he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins
that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never
seen anyone win four corners, a line,
the full-house and the national game on
the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed.
'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'
'Good God’, says the bingo caller.
'You've won the raffle as well !!
 
A woman goes to see her Doctor.

"What's the problem Miss Carruthers?"

"I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica around my vagina Doctor"

"Those aren't postage stamps - they're the stickers off bananas"
 
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