In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter";;)

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.

I have to tell u something son, but you must
promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter.

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.
Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddys their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want.

Dont listen to him He isn't your father.". =))

Son ,fainted.
 
A guy went to the doctors complaining that although he wanted desperately to shit nothing was coming out.

After examination the doctor got a small chisel and hit the mans arse a huge blow.

Immediately shit poured out of the man into a convenient bowl, much to the mans relief.

The guy asked the doctor what his problem was?

The doctor enquired if the man worked on a building site?

The guy said that he did, and the doctor said "Stop wiping your arse on cement bags"
 
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'A man went to confession Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
 

An Irish camel driver was sitting at the side of the road in West Cork with his dead camel, when another camel driver came along and asked “What's the problem Paddy?"

Paddy said “Its dead - I think it ran out of water due to the Irish Heatwave.”​


So the other driver went around the back of it, bent down, did something, and suddenly the camel jumped up and ran off like a greyhound out of the traps.

Paddy said “What the fuck did you just do?”

“I just tickled its balls”

“Well you had better tickle mine, because I have to catch the bastard.”
 
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert, after a few days the camel falls over stone dead, after looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun, “I have never seen a woman’s breast’s, and at this point it probably wouldn’t matter much, so could I see yours” the nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

“May I touch them” the nun allows him to do this, and the priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.

The nun asks “father, I have never seen a man’s penis before, could you show me yours” so the priest duly drops his drawers.

May I touch it, the priest has no problem with that so she fondles his penis, and before the nun knew what was what there was this huge erection, the priest says “you know, if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life”.

“Then why don’t you shove it up the camel’s arse and let’s get the fuck out of here”.
 
A plane leaves Glasgow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual distrust.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese.."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why so?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!"

"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl - That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . . doesn't matter, you're all alike"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.

"What? - You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was a fookin' iceberg"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , .. . no matter . . . you all da fookin' same"
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
 
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