I've just finished a half bottle of malt.
Does anyone else get a fuzzy tongue when drinking vinegar?
Does anyone else get a fuzzy tongue when drinking vinegar?
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
- Thread starter AirCon
- Start date
Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.
They shouldn’t mess with Celebrations by taking Bounty’s out, these kind of things upset people…
I swapped the wrappers around once and my wife really got her Snickers in a Twix.
I swapped the wrappers around once and my wife really got her Snickers in a Twix.
My grandad was a boxer in the British Army.
It was completely unfair because the Germans had rifles.
It was completely unfair because the Germans had rifles.
Two women were out walking their dogs for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go into that Wetherspoons for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the pub and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog I'm partially blind" The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again, the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
"A Chihuahua? - They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ????"
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go into that Wetherspoons for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the pub and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog I'm partially blind" The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again, the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
"A Chihuahua? - They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ????"
A taxi was driving through a deprived part of Holmfirth - in the back of the taxi was a woman and her 12-year-old son.
"Mum, why are all these ladies standing in shop doorways?
" Oh, they're just waiting on their husband's coming home from work".
The taxi driver says "Why don't you tell him the truth - they're on the game and they sell sex for money"
The boy says "Is that true mum?
" I'm afraid so ".
" But what if one of these ladies has a baby, what happens to it?"
"It becomes a taxi driver"
"Mum, why are all these ladies standing in shop doorways?
" Oh, they're just waiting on their husband's coming home from work".
The taxi driver says "Why don't you tell him the truth - they're on the game and they sell sex for money"
The boy says "Is that true mum?
" I'm afraid so ".
" But what if one of these ladies has a baby, what happens to it?"
"It becomes a taxi driver"
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
"What's your name?"
"Colin Fecking Wilson"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Colin?"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."
"Colin Fecking Wilson"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Colin?"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I'm a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
If you break down in a large electric car you can use the AA.
Smaller cars use the AAA
Smaller cars use the AAA
Male Circumciser required - £15 per hour plus tips.
I've decided I want a pet termite. I'm going to call him Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
Clint Eatswood.
Elton John thinks that "Sorry" seems to be the hardest word.
He obviously hasn't been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
He obviously hasn't been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland, rescuers are searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they hear a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!"
The rescuers shout "Where are you?"
"I'm in room 236."
The rescuers shout "Where are you?"
"I'm in room 236."
I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate
“I'm stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
“Marooned”
“Cheers - I'll have a pint of lager”
“I'm stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
“Marooned”
“Cheers - I'll have a pint of lager”