In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.
 
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Perry walks into a bar and sees his friend Wayne slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Wayne " what's wrong?"

"Well," replies Wayne "you know that beautiful girl on the Ducati Forum that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," says Perry

"Well," says Wayne, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Perry (checking his sat-nav) - "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Wayne, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my cock to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Very sensible" says Perry

"So I get to her door," says Wayne "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest low-cut dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Wayne sinks to the floor sobbing)

"I kicked her in the face."
 
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I recently spent £6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him

... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...
 
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant
 
A bus full of blind men went on a day trip to Skegness. Halfway there the driver pulls up at a pub for a piss and a quick drink.

To keep the blind people occupied he puts a bell in a football and leaves them outside to have a kick about.

Just as he's settling down to drink his pint a bloke comes running in and shouts " Who's looking after that group of blind guys outside "?

The drivers says "I am - what seems to be the problem?"

" You'd best come outside now, they're kicking the fuck out of the Morris dancers "
 
The night that Sunak announced that there would be a General Election, Kier Starmer took his Shadow Cabinet out for a meal. When they were seated the waiter asked him what he would like to order. 'I'll have the roast sirloin with dauphinoise potatoes.' he replied.

'Very good sir, and the vegetables?'

'They'll have the same . . . '
 
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